A lot of folks can't understand how we came

To have an oil shortage here in our country.

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

ALASKA

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

And

Texas

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

Are located in

Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions???



NO? Didn't think So.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

Quote from: grinders_18 on February 06, 2008, 05:06:20 AM
I'd LOVE to get a slip or two, but I don't know where I can go in MN for 1320 racing...

Loved your story, reminded me of the days back when.

Try the 1/8 mile, 1/4 mile is kinda dying around here. People here use the 1/8 mile times and don't even relate to 1/4 times.

?Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.

Instructions were studied and we were inspired,

In hopes we could manage ?Some Assembly Required.?

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,

While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:

A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie?s town house to boot!

And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat?.

Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!

Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;

If we can?t get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,

But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,

With each part numbered and every slot named,

So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,

All over the carpet they were scattered about.

?Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!

Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.?

?Honey,? said hubby, ?you just glued my hand.?

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact

That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night

With ?assembly required? till morning?s first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,

Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin

Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,

We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,

?This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we?ll cheer, let the holiday ring,

And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set

For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!?

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,

Though I suppose there?s something to say for those self-deluded;

I?d forgotten that batteries are never included!

        I bought a bird feeder.  I hung
        it on my back porch and filled
        it with seed.  What a beauty of
        a bird feeder it is, as I filled it
        lovingly with seed.  Within a
        week  we had hundreds of birds
        taking advantage of the
        continuous flow of free and
        easily accessible food.

        But then the birds started
        building nests in the boards
        of the patio, above the table,
        and next to the barbecue.

        Then came the poop.  It was
        everywhere: on the patio tile,
        the chairs, the table ...
        everywhere !

        Then some of the birds
        turned mean.  They would
        dive bomb me and try to
        peck me even though I had
        fed them out of my own
        pocket.

        And others bird s w ere
        boisterous and loud.  They
        sat on the feeder and
        squawked and screamed at
        all hours of the day and night
        and demanded that I fill it
        when it got low on food.

        After a while, I couldn't even
        sit on my own back porch
        anymore.  So I took down the
        bird feeder and in three days
        the bird s w ere gone. I cleaned
        up their mess and took down
        the many nests they had built
        all over the patio.

        Soon, the back yard was like
        it used to be ... quiet, serene
        and no one demanding their
        rights to a free meal.

        Now let's see ....
        Our government gives out
        free food, subsidized housing,
        free medical care, and free
        education and allows anyone
        born here to be an automatic
        citizen.

        Then the illegal's came by the
        tens of thousands.  Suddenly
        our taxe s w ent up to pay for
        free services; small apartments
        are housing 5 families; you
        have to wait 6 hours to be seen
        by an emergency room doctor;
        your child's 2nd grade class is
        behind other schools because
        over half the class doesn't speak
        English.

        Corn Flakes now come in a
        bilingual box; I have to
        "press one" to hear my bank
        talk to me in English, and
        people waving flags other
        than "Old Glory" are
        squawking and screaming
        in the streets, demanding
        more rights and free liberties.

        Just my opinion, but maybe
        it's time for the government
        to take down the bird feeder.
        If you agree, pass it on; if not,
        continue cleaning up the poop!

About 3/4 down the page. Rumor has it that some guy has been picking up the parts from over the wall and his car is about half built :icon_rolleyes:




http://www.boards2go.com/boards/board.cgi?action=read&id=1195957319&user=paps

Don't miss this


On Thursday, November 29, beginning at 9 p.m. ET/PT, NGC premieres back-to-back one-hour episodes of Ultimate Factories that feature two automotive icons:  BMW and Corvette. 


National Geographic Channel (NGC) takes you behind the scenes and inside the high-tech mega-manufacturing plants called the Ultimate Factories,  where, in less than two days? time, the most advanced automotive technology can produce these innovative marvels of engineering and design.

On Thursday, November 29, beginning at 9 p.m. ET/PT, NGC premieres back-to-back one-hour episodes of Ultimate Factories that feature two automotive icons:  BMW and Corvette. 

Get an inside look at all the space-age bells and whistles and 'bots in their state-of-the-art, world-class factories. 

From the assembly lines to the ovens to the highly trained personnel charged with ensuring the absolute perfection of these products, find out what it really takes to make what, for many consumers, would be the car of their dreams.

Ultimate Factories: BMW and Ultimate Factories: Corvette also trace the history and evolution of these legendary machines that are much more than just a means of transportation for their owners. 

With their distinctive features and signature design elements, they inspire intense pride and loyalty ? and just a little bit of road envy.

Ultimate Factories: BMW
Thursday, November 29, at 9 p.m. ET/PT (World Premiere)

It rockets from 0 to 60 mph in 5.6 seconds, and the G-forces might make you lose your lunch.  It reaches 155 mph before an electronic speed limiter says ?Now, that?s fast enough!?  That?s the BMW Z4 Roadster.  Its graceful body, sumptuous creature comforts and nimble handling make it the ?ultimate driving machine.? Go on a one-of-a-kind tour of the three Ultimate Factories that work together to create this world-class automobile.

Bavarian Motor Works (BMW) started in 1916 in the Bavarian region of Germany, pushing the performance envelope in aircraft engine design.  To this day, the company continues to make innovative breakthroughs.  Ultimate Factories takes you to Landshut, Germany, where the automotive industry?s lightest mass-produced six-cylinder crankcases are made.  They are then sent to another factory in Munich, which assembles 1,200 engines a day, each delivering more than 200 horsepower.  The engine and crankcase are then shipped to Spartanburg, S.C., where every BMW Z4 on the road in the world is made.

The American plant has 4,500 associates ? and almost 500 robots ? that produce 600 vehicles a day.  From the Body Shop to the Paint Shop and then Assembly, in just under 40 hours a sleek, customized and luxurious BMW Z4 Roadster, replete with the unique double kidney grill and blue-and-white logo reminiscent of the Bavarian flag, could be yours.

BMW's Spartanburg plant is also home to world's first automotive Paint Shop that integrates methane gas from rotting trash into its process.  Methane gas routed from the nearby Palmetto Landfill contributes 63 percent of all the power used, reducing greenhouse gas emissions in upstate South Carolina by 60,000 tons per year ? the equivalent of 4,300 cars driving around the equator every year.

Ultimate Factories: Corvette
Thursday, November 29, at 10 p.m. ET/PT (World Premiere)

America?s love affair with Corvette began more than 50 years ago in 1953, when designer Harley Earl convinced General Motors to build a two-seater that would rival European sports cars.  Two years later, Ed Cole introduced the small-block V-8 engine that became the choice for the performance car market and still rules the road.

The race-car-inspired Corvette Z06 is the pinnacle of Corvette engineering and aerodynamics.  With its lightweight space frame and 505-horsepower engine, it can go from 0 to 60 mph in 3.7 seconds and reach a top speed of 198 mph.  This is a true American sports car. 

Visit the Ultimate Factories where this automotive icon that rivals exotic foreign cars like the Ferrari and Lamborghini is put together by state-of-art-computers, robots and a human touch.  At the plant in Hopkinsville, Ky., the aluminum skeleton, or space frame, is built in just 18 minutes.  It weighs 285 lbs. ? 30 percent lighter than the standard steel frame. Then, in Bowling Green, Ky., the floors, doors, panels and paint are added, as well as the power seats, the dashboard and one distinctive Corvette feature, the classic teardrop rear window.

At GM?s Performance Center in Wixom, Mich. (near ?Motor City? ? Detroit), the revolutionary Z06 engine is hand-built like a race-car engine, by one technician in four hours.  And every hand-assembled engine carries the name of the specialist who built it.  The engine goes to the Bowling Green facility, where workers install the critical component, called the power train:  the engine, transmission and torque tube (driveshaft system).  The power train then meets the space frame ? and Corvette?s high-performance street machine is born.

ULTIMATE FACTORIES: BMW

FACT SHEET ON BMW AND THE MAKING OF THE Z4 ROADSTER

Loyal BMW fans refer to their beloved cars as ?bimmers,? while BMW motorcycles are called ?beemers.?

The United States is BMW?s largest automotive market, comprising 23.1 percent of BMW?s automotive sales.

Germany is a close second at 22.3 percent.

The Spartanburg, S.C., BMW manufacturing plant employs about 4,500 people who produce 600 vehicles a day.  The 100,000th Z4 was produced merely two years after production began at the Spartanburg plant.

BMW's Spartanburg plant is also home to world's first automotive Paint Shop that integrates methane gas from rotting trash into its process.  Methane gas routed from the nearby Palmetto Landfill contributes 63 percent of all the power BMW Spartanburg uses, reducing greenhouse gas emissions in upstate South Carolina by 60,000 tons per year.  That?s the equivalent of 4,300 cars driving around the equator every year.

The BMW Z4 M Roadster?s 255-horsepower 3.0 si inline six-cylinder engine is capable of accelerating the vehicle from zero to 60 mph in 5.6 seconds.  The Z4?s top speed is electronically limited to 155 miles per hour.

The Z4 Roadster weighs in at 3,277 pounds ? 136 pounds heavier then the original Z3 Roadster.

The BMW Z4?s engine crankcase is the first crankcase made with magnesium.  It?s 24 percent lighter than an all-aluminum crankcase and is the lightest mass-produced six-cylinder crankcase in the world.

Chris Bangle?s ?flame surfacing? design and aggressive styling choices on the Z4 have caused controversy with many BMW traditionalists.  Much to their dismay, the new style can be seen on most of BMW?s new fleet of vehicles.

Last year, BMW released a version of the BMW Z4 M Coupe for customer motor racing.  It is the first two-seater available for customer teams.

BMW short films are credited with pioneering the innovative marketing technique of branded content.  In 2001 and 2002, BMW produced a series of short films, called ?The Hire,? featuring the different performance aspects of various BMW vehicles.  The entire second season of the films featured the BMW Z4 Roadster.

Most BMW enthusiasts believe the famous white-and-blue BMW logo represents a rotating airplane propeller ? evoking the company?s origins as an airplane engine manufacturer.  BMW even perpetuated this myth.  But today, a leading BMW historian says the logo?s design evokes the blue-and-white Bavarian flag.

ULTIMATE FACTORIES: CORVETTE
FACT SHEET ON CORVETTE AND THE MAKING OF THE Z06

Enzo Ferrari said, "Corvette is the only real sports car made in America.?

A Corvette has been selected as the pace car at the Indianapolis 500 nine times: 1978, 1986, 1995, 1998, 2002 and 2004 ? 2007.

The 2007 Z06 was one of Automobile Magazine's "Automobile All-Stars" for 2007.

Myron Scott, Chevrolet's former chief photographer, is credited with coming up with the Corvette name, drawing from the small, fast warships of the "Corvette" class.

While many were involved in its design and production, Belgium-born Zora Arkus-Duntov is generally considered the "Father of the Corvette.?

The Z06 records a 0 ? 60 mph time of 3.7 seconds and a standing quarter mile of 11.7 seconds at 125 mph.

At 0.28 coefficient of drag, the Z06 is the most aerodynamically efficient Corvette ever.  The Z06 has a 505 horsepower LS7 427 cid (7.0 liter) small-block engine, the biggest and most powerful small-block ever available from GM.

The assembly of every LS7 engine is performed by hand by a dedicated team member at GM's new Performance Build Center in Wixom, Mich.

In a radical departure from anything Chevrolet has done before, the primary structural element of the Z06 is aluminum instead of steel (as on the non-Z06 cars).

The front fenders are molded with carbon fiber rather than Fiberglas, cutting their weight to three pounds apiece, 80 percent less than a conventional steel fender.  The balsa-core composite floorboard also uses carbon fiber, saving five more pounds.  Thanks to these changes, the Z06 will weigh just over 3,100 pounds.

On October 31, 2005, the application of magnesium AE44 alloy in the engine cradle (the world's first magnesium chassis component) was bestowed an Honorable Mention in the Automotive News PACE? (Premier Automotive Suppliers' Contributions to Excellence) Awards competition. This was the first award granted to the Z06 Corvette

Prior Mfg is the only place I know off unless a member is selling one. If you go to Prior plan on sending them your first born and that may not cover it. :icon_rolleyes:

Jud

Its the same size as your water heater, dryer, stove gas plumbing. A decent hardware store would have a cap for it.

Jud

Welcome back, wondered what happened to you.

Here's a little info on turbos.

http://www.tgpforums.com/index.php?topic=4385.0

FEMA has established a distribution center in Northern California with water, meals, cots and blankets.

Yea FEMA thats only 400 miles away :laugh:


Heres what this agncy has sent. Damn who needs or wants FEMA.
NATIONAL INTERAGENCY FIRE CENTER

http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-7019584,00.html

Colorado sent two fire fighting planes. :icon_cool:

Jud

FEMA IS NOW AFTER THREE DAYS, SAYS THERE GOING TO HELP AND SEND 2500 COTS TO THE ARE. (THERE IS ONLY OVER 300K HOMELESS)  WELL THEY WILL MOST LIKLY BURN THEM TONIGHT TO KEEP WARM 62*

LATTES NEWS:
FEMA IS DISCUSSING PUTTING A MEDICAL UNIT ON ONE OF THE BASES IN SAN DIEGO. IT GOES BEFORE CONGRES TOMMOROW. :icon_cry: :icon_cry: :icon_sad: :icon_sad: :icon_sad:

WHAT A JOKE. CHERTOFF SHOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED WHEN KETRINA CAME ON SHORE.

It's a lot simpler if you take the turbo off the xover and put a board or something under it to get it raised up. You have to pull the break heat shield.

Jud

That would be your TC clutch locking up and unlocking.When it unlocks you vacuum will go up because it's kind of free wheeling until it locks up again.

Fixes. Could be alot of things. Vacuum leak, exhaust leak like a cracked Xover contanimating the o2. Could even be a bad switch but I doubt that. It's on the front of the trans. Could even be an ignition glitch which lowers the vacuum when it misses and the ecm thinks it needs power.

Scares the hell out of your passengers doesn't it. :icon_frown:

Jud